too many questions...not enough answers.

my car has been in the impound since friday & i cant get it out til tuesday.

great.

whenever stuff like this happens it always take me back to that age old question:

"why do bad things happen to good people"

but as i was talking to a friend he said:

"and what makes you such a good person"

idk.

really i dont.

because in the eyes of GOD i am totally flawed, even through my vague attempts at righteousness. i tend to feel that every time i get a strong grasp on my faith something happens to deter me and make me really questions GOD's role, purpose, and place in my life. its a dauting task. to want to believe in something, someone who you feels fails you.

until of course, you realize, how much you have failed them.

*********************
i seek GOD
but only thru mediocre attempts
as tho i think
he is only half worthy
when it is i
who has proven
to be unworthy
ungrateful
and unmindful of the pain caused by my sins

i am not eager to learn of him
just eager to see him
touch him
as tho he was famous
or worst yet
infamous for his deeds
as if the gift of death from his son
could be seen as such

i pray
not to hear his response
not to gain his insight
but to hear myself speak

i am a selfish soul
hellbound
and without care.

adios.

i lost a friend this week.

someone i loved, admired, and adored because they wanted to "leave me to my confusing life". i must admit that i was taken aback by this but...

life goes on.

i am learning that when people choose to walk away, it is always for a reason. good or bad & whether you like it or dislike it doesnt really matter. there is a reason...and thats what matters. i no longer try to change people's minds or even get them to see my POV. i have decided that once a person's mind is made up...to just let them be.

i know that some ppl see this as me not caring about the person, but...i just see it as me caring more about me.

***************
inner beauty

there is a non-sensical conclusion to this situation
a slight
confusing ending
to this sudden deprivation
of emotion
when your needs
are over shadowed by my wants
and kindness is no longer outweighted by perfection

but im not perfect
i am not sculpted from a flawless
infallible being
i am sinful
full of faults
and in that sense
imperfectly assembled to be a beacon
for whomever chooses to wait for my inner light
to come forth and shine intelligently

because now it blinds those
unworthy of me
so bright
and effervescent
so honest
and compassionate
so foolish.

i am not perfect
because my heart is too kind
but i fear for my solitude
because hearts are not as smart or strong as minds.

too much.

i guess this should have been the first entry

but...oh well.

i write a lot.

too much it seems at times.

im a scatter brain.

so this is my disclaimer.

**********************

she smiles and without words
u enter her soul
she opens her mouth to speak
and the stanzas swallow you whole
enter if you dare
if you are brave
and/or bold.
brace yourself for her...

she is an artist.

today.

i just did something i shouldnt have done. which...of course, i now regret. it just never ceases to amaze me how i can think i've dealt with something & have really gotten over it, but the slightest notion can make me face the reality that i havent.

its cause im a hypocrite i guess.

perhaps, it really is time for me to stop dishing things that i just cant take. but as humans, arent we selfish souls? dont we want for the betterment of ourselves most times? dont we aim to please our own wants & needs over others--without thought most times.

i do.

its not good, but its true.

and for the life of me, i just cant seem to grasp the concept that everything that feels good, just aint good. everything that looks, smells, & tastes like love...aint love. cuz love is about what you feel which is why to me...its amazing. that the one ex i have known for the longest...is the one i am no longer cool with. he is the one who has done me the worst, but yet & still the one i hate to see with anyone else.

why is this?

i thought i fell out of love a long time ago.

********

i sensed that things had come to a close
long before we had shut the door

but perhaps we were afraid of the words
and didnt realize our actions said more

maybe it was hard to say
but somehow not hard to do

to leave without saying goodbye
when you already know its thru.